Not all people accept life after a stroke

By Pip

Before my stroke I was an avid sailor. Most weekends I would be out sailing, sometimes competing - I absolutely loved it.

I was very active playing tennis, sailing, hiking and dating. I had a great array of friends, and I was always out and about going to plays, musicals, concerts, dinner engagements, parties and travelling.

One day at the end of a yacht race I had a major hemorrhagic stroke. A rescue helicopter was called, and I was taken to the Royal Adelaide Hospital. Unfortunately, it was a long weekend, and the hospital was short staffed, so it took too long for me to be treated. Lying in a bed knowing that your brain is dying and no treating staff – I have no words.

From that day my life was turned upside down and I don’t think it has ever righted itself. I am not being a negative Nelly, but I can’t get my head around my new life. I live it well, but I have never accepted it.

In the early days I was in a wheelchair. I couldn’t run or even walk very fast - I couldn’t really do much at all. And because I could no longer join my friends in sporting activities, over time most of them disappeared.

My life consisted of early mornings in the pool for rehabilitation, then daily exercises and physiotherapy three times a week.

Some friends would take me out, but as I took so long to get in and out of the car, it was inconvenient… eventually they stopped asking.

One evening after a few bevies, my best friend said, “Pip you’ll be right once you’ve found your own kind.” I think my heart just about stopped. If my best friend could no longer see me, how were strangers perceiving me? I was so embarrassed and upset.

My career as an accountant was also impacted. I was realistic that I wouldn’t be able to do the work I had been doing, but I still had good skills. I found that I could only get basic accounting work for an insultingly low wage. I realised that incorrect perceptions around disability were going to harm my work prospects, and further erode my confidence.

My stroke impacted me both physically and cognitively. I am not as adept at numbers as I once was. I have hemiplegia and now walk with a cane. My balance is an ongoing annoyance. I fall quite often, and I have broken a few ribs but nothing major – yet. But I only go to places where I am familiar otherwise, I feel too stressed. Simple things such as needing to know exactly where the ‘ladies’ is because I need more time to organise myself.

Although my life has become more familiar, do I accept my new life? Yes…. and No.

I realise that I can’t refuse to face reality, as it’s a long road to nowhere. But do I have to accept it – HELL NO!

I still hate:

People staring at me.

I hate not being able to walk properly.

I hate not being able to walk straight.

I hate not being able to dance like I used to.

I hate not being able to carry big boxes.

I hate not being able to hang onto things with two hands.

I hate restricting my shopping to one bag.

I hate not being able to sew properly. I was a great embroiderer and although I am back at it- it’s nothing like it used to be. And I hate, hate that!

I hate having odd balance with sideways walks.

I hate the way my arm sits up when I walk.

I hate my brain not being able to function properly.

I hate slurring my speech.

I hate not being able to dry my hair with a blow dryer very well.

I hate not being able to wear sexy underwear exquisite bras.

I hate not being able to wear high heel shoes, sexy shoes or thongs.

I hate leaving food on the side of my face and not knowing it’s there.

I hate not being able to work in my old profession or get any work for that matter.

I hate that people perceive me as unintelligent.

I hate it when people talk to me with a loud, slow voice, Just because I can’t walk straight does it mean I’m deaf and dumb

I hate it when people look at you and then quickly look away, trying not making eye contact……

it’s bloody ridiculous!

Life after stroke is very different and can be very exhausting. People don’t realise how tired you are. But I am always trying and will continue to try to find new ways of doing the old things I used to love.