To learn or not relearn social skills
September 25, 2013
After a stroke, many survivors need to relearn skills like walking and talking. But how do I relearn how to be myself again if my personality has changed? And should I have to?
This article from Synapse Bridge Magazine Volume 12 takes a challenging look at whether to be true to my new self or to compromise for the ones I love.
Article: To learn or not relearn social skills
These issues often arise as neurological damage to the brain impacts on emotional control, self awareness and social skills.
Everyone is familiar with children crying or screaming easily, not being able to see others’ points of view and getting into ongoing debates or fights frequently. As our brain matures, we gradually learn the important and often difficult task of how to control our emotions or impulses, see the world through other people’s eyes, tolerate radically different views to our own, and how to avoid or deal appropriately with conflict.
Why does it happen?
By the time we are adults we usually take these skills for granted, but our frontal lobes have often taken 25 years to mature to this level. We must also learn from life experiences to develop these skills. We take for granted the ability to live peacefully in a world full of people, ideas, religions, political parties, customs, rules and laws that we often dislike or may even hate. Our tolerance, understanding and ability to ignore or resolve conflict peacefully are highly developed cognitive abilities that are only reached (if ever!) in our adult years.
A brain injury or stroke can sometimes entail damage to the frontal lobes meaning that many of these skills may need to be relearned. In some cases the person’s self-awareness may be lost in which case the person may never regain these hard-won abilities. Let’s look at a typical example of how a brain injury can affect a relationship where self-awareness is also a problem.
Brian’s story: I find so many things annoy me. She says ignore them but I can’t, I have to speak out. People saying the dumbest things. Ridiculous laws or regulations. Teenagers acting stupidly. My partner’s attitude to so much of life. When I tell people what I think they almost always react badly. All I’m doing is telling them the truth! But they get their backs up and ignore me, or we wind up yelling, or in public I end up being intimidated by police officers or security guards. People just can’t handle the truth and it really annoys me.
Jo’s story: He’s changed so much since the head injury. He used to be easy going and got along with everyone. Now he is very opinionated and obsessed with little issues. He lost all his friends and continually loses jobs due to arguments. He complains of other people’s intolerance but it is his intolerance that gets him into arguments in the first place! He expects me to support him when I don’t agree with him, then loses his temper when I gently try to show him the other person’s side of the story.
Compromise or be true to myself?
People with a mild brain injury (or stroke) often have retained their self-awareness. They know how they used to be before the accident and how they have changed.
Edith’s story: Since my brain tumour my husband has found me hard to handle. I speak my mind now and tell it like it is. I know I used to be able to ‘sugar coat’ things and sound polite but the new me can’t handle that. I’m not being true to myself when I try to say it nicely. I’ve lost friends over this and things aren’t going well with my family. My husband says we may separate because he reckons I am too abrasive, critical and abrupt now. We get into arguments because I tell him he is being too sensitive.
This is a very common issue faced by brain injury survivors. They may come to terms with their new identity — they accept that they now speak their minds readily and simply get frustrated with the complex rules of polite conversation. But the consequences may be lost friendships, alienating their families and trouble making new friendships.
At some point a decision must be made. Does the survivor be true to the new self? In that case they must accept the potential consequences of losing relationships and troubles in making new ones. Or does the survivor choose the difficult path of relearning social skills, tolerance and accepting others’ views in order to retain their old friends, partners and family? This can be especially difficult when after a brain injury these abilities seem to appear useless or ridiculous.
The difficult path
If a brain injury survivor chooses to relearn these skills, it is a challenging process and the brain injury means they may never get fully back to where they used to be. But the potential payoffs in terms of retaining the support and joy of friendships, relationships, family and even employment can be rewarding.
An understanding and objective partner and family can go a long way to helping as they realise the brain injury has caused the problems and their loved one is not intentionally hurting them. They can also assist with feedback.
The brain injury survivor will need accurate feedback at times to know when they are being intolerant, obsessive, inflexible or unreasonable in a given situation by normal social standards.
The person will also need strategies for avoiding or dealing with stress, anger and depression.
And finally your local Brain Injury Association, Stroke Association or StrokeLine 1800 787 653 should be able to provide resources or therapists for support.
This article was first printed in Synapse Bridge Magazine Volume 12.
This article from Synapse Bridge Magazine Volume 12 takes a challenging look at whether to be true to my new self or to compromise for the ones I love.
Article: To learn or not relearn social skills
These issues often arise as neurological damage to the brain impacts on emotional control, self awareness and social skills.
Everyone is familiar with children crying or screaming easily, not being able to see others’ points of view and getting into ongoing debates or fights frequently. As our brain matures, we gradually learn the important and often difficult task of how to control our emotions or impulses, see the world through other people’s eyes, tolerate radically different views to our own, and how to avoid or deal appropriately with conflict.
Why does it happen?
By the time we are adults we usually take these skills for granted, but our frontal lobes have often taken 25 years to mature to this level. We must also learn from life experiences to develop these skills. We take for granted the ability to live peacefully in a world full of people, ideas, religions, political parties, customs, rules and laws that we often dislike or may even hate. Our tolerance, understanding and ability to ignore or resolve conflict peacefully are highly developed cognitive abilities that are only reached (if ever!) in our adult years.
A brain injury or stroke can sometimes entail damage to the frontal lobes meaning that many of these skills may need to be relearned. In some cases the person’s self-awareness may be lost in which case the person may never regain these hard-won abilities. Let’s look at a typical example of how a brain injury can affect a relationship where self-awareness is also a problem.
Brian’s story: I find so many things annoy me. She says ignore them but I can’t, I have to speak out. People saying the dumbest things. Ridiculous laws or regulations. Teenagers acting stupidly. My partner’s attitude to so much of life. When I tell people what I think they almost always react badly. All I’m doing is telling them the truth! But they get their backs up and ignore me, or we wind up yelling, or in public I end up being intimidated by police officers or security guards. People just can’t handle the truth and it really annoys me.
Jo’s story: He’s changed so much since the head injury. He used to be easy going and got along with everyone. Now he is very opinionated and obsessed with little issues. He lost all his friends and continually loses jobs due to arguments. He complains of other people’s intolerance but it is his intolerance that gets him into arguments in the first place! He expects me to support him when I don’t agree with him, then loses his temper when I gently try to show him the other person’s side of the story.
Compromise or be true to myself?
People with a mild brain injury (or stroke) often have retained their self-awareness. They know how they used to be before the accident and how they have changed.
Edith’s story: Since my brain tumour my husband has found me hard to handle. I speak my mind now and tell it like it is. I know I used to be able to ‘sugar coat’ things and sound polite but the new me can’t handle that. I’m not being true to myself when I try to say it nicely. I’ve lost friends over this and things aren’t going well with my family. My husband says we may separate because he reckons I am too abrasive, critical and abrupt now. We get into arguments because I tell him he is being too sensitive.
This is a very common issue faced by brain injury survivors. They may come to terms with their new identity — they accept that they now speak their minds readily and simply get frustrated with the complex rules of polite conversation. But the consequences may be lost friendships, alienating their families and trouble making new friendships.
At some point a decision must be made. Does the survivor be true to the new self? In that case they must accept the potential consequences of losing relationships and troubles in making new ones. Or does the survivor choose the difficult path of relearning social skills, tolerance and accepting others’ views in order to retain their old friends, partners and family? This can be especially difficult when after a brain injury these abilities seem to appear useless or ridiculous.
The difficult path
If a brain injury survivor chooses to relearn these skills, it is a challenging process and the brain injury means they may never get fully back to where they used to be. But the potential payoffs in terms of retaining the support and joy of friendships, relationships, family and even employment can be rewarding.
An understanding and objective partner and family can go a long way to helping as they realise the brain injury has caused the problems and their loved one is not intentionally hurting them. They can also assist with feedback.
The brain injury survivor will need accurate feedback at times to know when they are being intolerant, obsessive, inflexible or unreasonable in a given situation by normal social standards.
The person will also need strategies for avoiding or dealing with stress, anger and depression.
And finally your local Brain Injury Association, Stroke Association or StrokeLine 1800 787 653 should be able to provide resources or therapists for support.
This article was first printed in Synapse Bridge Magazine Volume 12.