Two very powerful words

By Tracey Laverick

I am lucky with the support I have, especially a group of women whose husbands have all survived strokes. We call ourselves the ‘Stroke Wives’, and I don’t know where our families would be if we didn’t have each other.  

Ten years ago, one of my ‘Stroke Wives’, who was four months ahead of me, gave me some good advice.   

It was about always accepting the help offered. Her wise words went something like “When someone offers to help or do something for you, say yes, yes thank you, ab-sol-ute-ly yes.   

It can be hard to accept help when you are only just coming to terms with what has happened. You may want to hide, and you can’t think straight, but – say yes. You will need the help, even if you can’t admit it to yourself whilst in crisis.” 

Personally, I found accepting help, very difficult. It was a foreign concept to me. Both my husband Mark and I have always been very independent, and here we were, both losing parts of our identity. The roles we had in our partnership were changing rapidly, and without warning. We needed space to find our way. 

But, accept help I did. We both did, and we’ve mostly ‘re-found’ the equilibrium in our lives and our partnership. 

I found accepting all help offered has another side to it, and you need to be discerning with the help offered. Most people are trying their best, but at times, the help is not the right help and is not needed. Learning to say a hearty, loving no is important too. 

It’s also been helpful for the army of people who want to help. I have learned to set some healthy boundaries, and as long as I am clear, we’ve all learned our roles, and Mark and I have kept our ‘us’ - our partnership, intact. 

For myself, I’ve wanted to be Wonder Woman when Mark has had his strokes. I have wanted to make things right, support him, and still be the kind of Mum and wife who looks after others, who does her bit. 

But, I can’t. I can’t stretch that far. At times I feel like I am so stretched that my skin may split at any time.  

What has helped, is empowering myself with both the yes and the no.